We have kitchen gremlins living in my house.

Unlike the ones who live in your washer and dryer and steal your socks, these gremlins prefer the kitchen. And why wouldn’t they want to live in the kitchen? After all, the kitchen is the heart of the home.

If there were an office of the head gremlin, or a place where their powers that be reside, I would certainly register a complaint. I am unaware of such a place, so, instead, I will share my complaints with you.

Everything these little creatures do affects my kitchen and my sanity. The reason why I know they must be gremlins is because after much questioning of my husband and children, they have assured me they are not responsible for these disastrous occurrences. So, therefore, gremlins!

Here is a quick accounting of what they do.

They are responsible for drinking all but the last drop of milk in the refrigerator. When I go for that infrequent cup of coffee, I tried to give it up for the new year, there is never enough milk left in the bottle for me.

Dirty plates get left on the kitchen counter after I have cleaned up for the night. It’s not my husband; he would never leave a dirty dish there for me to tend to the next morning.

Food gets left in the sink. My children always scrape their plates before they leave them in the sink. It has to be the gremlins.

Empty food boxes are left in the pantry on a regular basis. I have, time and time again, told all the humans living in my house that if you take the last cookie, or muffin or helping of cereal out of the box, you must throw said box out. Gremlins pay no mind to my rules about throwing boxes out.

I find crumbs in the silverware drawer. I think that must be where they hide out and feast on the last items taken from the boxes in the pantry.

My dog’s water bowl is always moving. I think the gremlins swim in it for recreation. Because of this “moving,” my husband kicks the water bowl everyday. He says someone must move it into the path of his foot.

I believe they bathe with dishwashing liquid. Every time I go to use the dish soap, the bottle is two-thirds of the way empty. There is no way we use it up that quickly. My husband has also assured me he doesn’t use it to wash his hands. I mean why would he? There is perfectly good hand soap right next to the dish soap; again, the gremlins.

I think while we are asleep, they gather all the dust, get up on the kitchen table and throw it up in the air like confetti. There always seems to be a healthy covering of dust on those ceiling-fan blades. I know, I dust the blades frequently, further evidence that gremlins are working against me.

So, if you have ever found yourself suffering from any of these occurrences, please, do not waste your time asking spouses or children, they will deny it all emphatically as mine have. Rather than lose my sanity, I must learn to cohabitate with the gremlins and ignore their annoying habits.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I did have a heart-to-heart with our dog and fish, and they have pleaded the Fifth.

A Yankee with a Southern soul, Gillian Pollock is a wife, mother of two ever-challenging children and director of Christian Formation at Saint Peter’s Episcopal Church in Washington.