Archived Story

All I know about the planet Earth

Published 11:15pm Saturday, March 9, 2013

A long time ago (a very long time ago), when God first contemplated forming Earth, He was besieged with suggestions from angels, especially the celestial hierarchy thrones and principalities, and even the Satan who, of course, became a fallen angel.
Now, dear readers, if you are not familiar with the celestial hierarchy, this is a traditional ranking of angels from the lowest to the highest: angels, archangels, principalities, powers, virtues, dominions, thrones, cherabim and seraphim. Angels, we know, are created by God, with the word “angel” derived from the Greek for messenger.
We may think of angels as peculiarly Christian, but they are also found in other religions, ranking above humans, but below God.
I wouldn›t know all this good stuff without the assistance of the World Book Encyclopedia.
I understand most of the angels voted for a totally dry planet — just dirt, rock and such. There would be no oceans, gulfs, bays, lakes, ponds, rivers, streams — you get the idea. God pointed out that a planet bereft of a liquid would mean He could create no animals or plants that would need this to survive.
It didn›t take long for the angels to realize God was right. Isn›t He always? So, it was suggested He create rain. Then pots and pans, even buckets, could be set out to catch the water so all creatures and growing things could live. God had to smile. He liked the idea of rain, but not as the only source of water. Think of all the magnificent waterfalls that never would have existed if we were catching rain in pots and pans, even buckets. Newlyweds would never know the joy of a honeymoon at Niagara Falls.
So, it was decided Earth would be composed of dirt, rock and such and also water. We know God overshot a bit on the water, but despite this, He named the planet Earth. This, of course, is an acronym for «Every animal relishes this home.» God preferred it to be «Every animal relishes his home,» but spelling the planet›s name «Earhh» just didn›t work.
Now God got down to business. Earth was formed with a layer of dirt, rock and such, piled up here and there to create formidable mountains and depressions that would hold an abundance of water. Several angels worked diligently to come up with the formula for this liquid and got it right in just a couple months. They were delighted that water was odorless, tasteless and bluish in color when piled in layers. God was pleased with water.
With Earth completed, God and the angels realized they had one giant land mass surrounded by water. Not good. So, God separated the land mass into continents and islands using dental floss to slice through the dirt, rock and such. He knew dental floss worked great slicing cheesecake, why not land? No wonder it took so long to create the planet as we know it today.
During this time God sowed seeds that grew into plants, grasses, trees, vines, flowers — more than I can recount. He put fish and animals in the waters; mammals began to populate the land. And, to everyone›s amazement, some of the planet became barren deserts where nothing would grow while other spots blossomed into wild, wonderful jungles dense with plant and animal life. God saw that certain growing things did well in certain climates, so He created a huge diversity of weather for Earth producing exciting beautiful places as well as forsaken areas, hot places and cold spots, dry places and wet sites.
And then God created man. We all know that story.
That›s what I know about Earth. We should all be as happy as clams (at least I don›t know a disgruntled clam) and thanking God, and the angels, for the beauty and bounty of our planet.
But did God forget one thing? I know of no decree that requires mankind be peaceable, just, conscientious, honorable, compassionate and a few more positive attributes, or be ejected from the planet.

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