Archived Story

Write Again . . . Now call your next witness

Published 8:02pm Monday, June 9, 2014

There are, have been, a lot of lawyer jokes. You know, poking fun at those who ply their trade in the legal realm.

Now, you and I know that tarring all in this profession with the same brush just isn’t fair.

I mean, would you do the same thing to politicians? Used car salesmen? Why, stereotyping is fraught with prejudice. We all know this.

This isn’t to say, however, that some attorneys don’t provide us with — not all, of course — reasons to question their uh, thinking, on occasions. Yet we all respect them for their intellect, don’t we? Don’t we?

Enough. Let me get on to that which I want to share with you. That which prompted me to write this weekly little endeavor of mine.

I culled the following exchanges from a book called “Disorder in the Courts.” Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters.

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them.

Attorney: All your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?

Witness: Oral . . .

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget.

Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness: Take a guess.

Attorney: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?

Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Attorney: Was this a male or a female?

Witness: Unless the circus was in town I’m going with male.

There are more, but this is enough. Should any of the fine attorneys in our area take offense at this bit of humor, please accept my sincere apology. I respect your profession, and understand that unerring perfection doesn’t exist in any vocational enterprise.

So. Call your next witness.




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