By EMILY ALBERA

For the Daily News

Once Mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and after reading “The 36-Hour Day”, suggested by her neurologist, I feared Mother would demonstrate all of those negative behaviors and eventually end up in fetal position. I found it difficult not to stereotype the disease.

In addition, I was getting mixed messages from those around me. One close relative suggested I put Mother into a nursing home. While other visitors, talking to Mother for half an hour, would say, “There’s nothing wrong with your mother. She’s fine!” Miss Emily was very good at masking her dementia. Eventually, however, these same friends quit visiting Mother once her condition advanced and once the word “Alzheimer’s” was used. It was easier to say, “Poor thing, she has Alzheimer’s disease. Her memory is gone.” It was easier to stereotype her illness and not visit any longer.

I, too, during the first three years, was terribly confused about the label “Alzheimer’s” and sought the help of a support group, a counselor and helplines to help me deal with my feelings about this “mean woman,” whose personality had changed so severely.

However, for 40 years, this stranger had been my only immediate family. I couldn’t dismiss her easily. Counseling made me realize that I wanted to keep Mother at home for as long as I could, without trading my life for her life.

Talking to others in the local support group taught me that I would not be able to quit my job and care for her 24 hours a day. I would be happier and more sane working and paying for Mother’s care than quitting my teaching job.

Eventually I hired Miss Laura to come “visit” Mother every day. I couldn’t believe how sweet and nice Mother was in Laura’s company. However, once I hit the back door after a long day at school, my stressed face indicated to Mother that my feelings were all negative. My mother’s intuition had kicked in. I was the “bad guy” but because my face said I was mean.

Once I caught on to the “face” connection, I learned to come in with a different face — a simple solution — a smile, a happy face! Instead of stereotyping the illness, I began to give Mother more credit for her intuition. Slowly, I got big parts of her personality back. I quit stereotyping her as a stranger. Amazingly she learned to trust me to be nice, and I began to trust that she was not totally “gone.” The stereotyping was disappearing.

There is no quick fix to Alzheimer’s disease; there is no cure; there is no “one size fits all.” I began to focus on fixing small problems that cropped up each day in my situation, continuing to use helplines and support groups. Using available resources helped me figure out ways to handle her behavior regardless of the diagnosis. What worked for Mother and me may not work for others, but sharing and talking about the behaviors helped me survive those years of caregiving.

Emily Albera is a former caregiver and co-chair of the Sept. 27 Alzheimer’s Walk. For a list of local resources for dementia, attend the Alzheimer’s Walk and Education Fair at the First Baptist Church in Washington. Call Donna, 252-927-4754, for information.