I try not to fake it. But when someone begins a sentence with “Don’t you remember when…” or “You remember so and so, don’t you?” I fear both statements because often I don’t remember. And what do you say after the question? “No, I don’t”? Most likely, you say, “Sure, I remember.” Sometimes I am brave enough to say, “No, I don’t. Would you refresh my memory?”

So why do we pretend to remember? People are insulted when you don’t remember. Supposedly, if you care about someone, you remember their names, their children and the events surrounding them. It is assumed that you don’t care if you don’t value the person enough to remember. This is what my mother went through. This is why in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease she faked remembering. A retired banker, Mother, when asked her age, faked it by saying, “I was born in 1904, you figure it out!” People with Alzheimer’s can still be clever. In the early stages, she often faked remembering people on the street; she’d smile and speak in generalities, but afterwards she’d ask, “Who was THAT?!” Eventually in later stages, she couldn’t fake it anymore.

People who reach the “Golden Years” tend to forget things occasionally. Forgetting is even expected. But there is a gray area. Struggling to decide when to worry about memory is always on the minds of those of us who have Alzheimer’s on our family tree. How much are we expected to remember to be labeled “normal” for our age? The scariest part is how much must we forget to be labeled “demented.” That’s the fuzzy area — dementia isn’t black and white. It’s gray for some of us. This, too, is what my mother had to face. She felt normal, so why were people contradicting her?

“Mother, you just told me this!”

“No, I didn’t !” And in her mind, she truly didn’t remember telling me.

Once I started educating myself about dementia by reading the textbook of Alzheimer’s “The 36-Hour Day.” I learned that the 12th time Mother said something to me was the first time to her. How tough it must have been for her to see my face of annoyance and disapproval. It took me a long time to begin to empathize with Mother’s forgetfulness.

Now, older myself and being a child of a parent who had Alzheimer’s disease, I often become paranoid when I forget why I enter a room, where I put my keys or the name of my friend’s daughter. Luckily, I have learned these are not signs of Alzheimer’s disease. Again, “The 36-Hour Day” states that it isn’t losing the keys, but forgetting what keys are for that can indicate Alzheimer’s disease. Learning about normal forgetfulness versus Alzheimer’s can eliminate some of the worry of dementia in yourself or a loved one.

Come to the Alzheimer’s Walk and Education Fair on Oct. 3, 9 a.m. to noon, at Red Men’s Lodge in Washington for free information about Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia. For more information, call Emily Albera at 252-944-3446 or e-mail albera@gotricounty.com.

Emily Albera is a former caregiver and organizer for the annual Alzheimer’s Walk.