Resolved: No more cheese on organ meats
My 10-step plan to health and wealth
By Ray McKeithan
Granted, ordering a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese meal instead of the Double Quarter-Pounder with Cheese meal is not a crash diet. But, it’s a good start.
Based on relative scales of idealistic human benchmarks, I don’t think my weight should be higher than my total cholesterol number. I’m pretty sure my LDL cholesterol shouldn’t exceed my IQ score.
Unfortunately, all of these things are true.
Since I don’t think Mensa is going to invite me to join their little club anytime soon — especially if they read my columns — I vow to work on improving those other numbers.
I’m already on cholesterol-lowering medication. (Oh, the heck with HIPAA.) The official values on the diagnostic lab report put me in the “arteries-need-Drano-his-blood-is-thicker-than-Pinesap” range. Apparently, I’m on the proper dosage of Cholesterol-B-Low because my numbers are better. (I have made an appointment with the doctor to see if that means I can resume my high-fat diet.)
Weight is an even more sensitive issue. I’m no different than most people. I do not like walking around looking like a “before” picture. But, I’ve become rather attached to these extra pounds I’ve added over the years. If you ask me, muscle tone is overrated.
My family does not buy-into my “more of me to love” theory. They subscribe to the “there’s more of me to be annoyed by” school of thought.
To be fair, the ’07 version of me may not be what my wife signed-on for. When we married, I was a hunk of a man with six-pack abs and chiseled features. I am no longer the trophy-husband my wife proudly paraded in front of her friends just a few years ago.
I used to be an energetic thoroughbred ready to take on the world. Now, I’m a fully drained battery (not the rechargeable kind) ready to take on the couch.
I’m still quite the specimen, though. The six-pack abs are still there, but are covered by a layer of blubber that — according to Animal Planet — “provides an energy store when food is scarce” and enables me to “withstand cold arctic waters for hours while diving to depths of 100 feet in search of krill and fish.”
There is a term for the cause of my current state: “Husband depreciation.” Like any piece of equipment, the husband is going to lose value over time. He is not going to be worth as much in future years due to deterioration, mishandling and changing fashion trends.
Be it resolved that, in the year, two-naught-naught-eight, I am going to make significant lifestyle changes and return to the glorious form I maintained prior to marriage. It is time to reveal my 10-Step program to fitness celebrity-dom:
1. I will wear running attire when I lie on the couch.
2. I will buy expensive fitness equipment.
3. I will soon sell expensive fitness equipment (for half what I just paid).
4. I won’t say “Duh!” when asked if I want to “Supersize” my order.
5. I will go to the steam room more often and pretend that the flushed-look and sweat-soaked clothes are the result of another “intense workout.”
6. I will talk to people at the health club as they run breathlessly on the treadmill, struggling to politely converse when asked to tell me their life story.
7. I will invent a chemical that changes the color of the meat on a ribeye from red to white. (“Beef, the new white meat.” I’ll be rich.)
8. I will forgo cheese on burgers, eggs and organ meats.
9. I will accept that a milkshake is not a “protein shake” just because I put a dusting of wheat germ in it.
10. I will stop saying, “apparently not” when my wife asks me at the dinner table, “Hon, haven’t you had enough?”
I hope I have inspired you to also make the tough sacrifices necessary to improve yourself this year. (Not that you need it … don’t take offense … I’m your friend.)
I am convinced this plan will reverse the ravages of time and systematic neglect. You will know I have been successful when my photo (above) changes to the “after” version. Stay tuned …
As in most homes this time of year, you can hear a chorus of coughs, hacks and sniffles in my house. We’re not sure if a cold is re-circulating, or if allergies are to blame. Thankfully, a friend told us of a cure for coughs you may want to try: At bedtime, massage mentholated rub onto the soles of your feet and cover with socks. Amazingly, it works. Of the eight in my household, not nary-a-foot has coughed since we started this.
American Profile is coming to the Washington Daily News. This new magazine will be inserted into your newspaper each Tuesday beginning New Year’s Day. According to a press release, American Profile “celebrates the people, places and things that make America great. We tell the not-so-known stories of well-known people, as well as those of ordinary people who do extraordinary things.” (And it contains lots of weight-loss and cholesterol-lowering ads … pages of them.)
Ray McKeithan is associate publisher of the Washington Daily News. If you have questions about content or operations at the WDN that can be addressed in future columns, please send an email to: firstname.lastname@example.org or call 252-940-4205.