Shame on the liars, lunatics and loons

Published 1:09 am Saturday, January 6, 2007

By Staff
By Kevin Travis
As I continuously thrust my legs back and forth on the elliptical machine at the gym Thursday evening, my mind wandered from the movie playing on the giant screen in front of me to the sporting world.
I’m not sure why the movie didn’t keep my full attention because it is an all-time classic. Okay, so maybe “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story” didn’t win any Oscars, but any movie with Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller and a character named Steve the Pirate can’t be all that bad.
It was nearly a perfect movie for how I was feeling, as some recent events in the sports world hit me like a dodgeball to the noggin.
For instance, I can’t help but feel like Nick Saban lied to me. Oh, but it wasn’t just me. It was anybody who heard him say, “I’m not going to be the Alabama coach.”
Saban, who had been the head coach with the Miami Dolphins, was linked to the Alabama football head coaching job for some time. However, Saban continually denied any interest in the position.
Even though he said, “I’m not going to be the Alabama coach,” reporters continued to question him on the opening.
I believed Saban. Silly me.
Earlier this week, Saban accepted the Alabama job. I’m sure the eight-year, $30-million deal helped sway his decision.
Bam! Like a dodgeball to the back.
Speaking of liars, marketers of four weight loss pill firms were fined $25 million by the Federal Trade Commission for making false advertising claims.
The variety of claims included RAPID weight loss and reduction in the risk of osteoporosis, Alzheimer’s and cancer. Really? Your products can do all that? I can lose weight… rapidly… AND not get cancer? Wow, what a magic pill!
Unfortunately, there are no such things as magic pills. It actually takes some working out and a healthful diet.
Bam! Like a dodgeball to the stomach.
On to some lunacy.
Sometimes athletes need to feel protected. Many have bodyguards.
Perhaps Tank Johnson, a defensive tackle for the Chicago Bears, went just a little overboard.
During a raid of Johnson’s residence in December, police seized about 550 rounds of ammunition, six guns, marijuana and unlabeled pills thought to be the painkiller hydrocodone. The ammo was found in his kitchen (perhaps he snacks on bullets?), basement, garage and bedroom.
Reports indicate that police found a semiautomatic rifle with 19 live rounds, a loaded .45-caliber handgun, two unloaded rifles and two unloaded handguns.
Johnson lived with his girlfriend, his bodyguard and two young children. The report didn’t indicate if the two young children knew how to operate the semiautomatic rifle.
Bam! Like a dodgeball to the kisser.
On to some lewdness. And this is scary stuff.
Supposedly there is an evil gang terrorizing a school in Texas, causing mayhem and panic wherever it goes.
Okay, it’s more like this — a group of cheerleaders at McKinney North High School, dubbed the “Fab Five,” has caused a bit of an uproar. Supposedly there were pictures on the popular that showed the girls drinking alcohol, wearing bikinis and showing glimpses of their underwear. There were also pictures of them, in their cheerleader uniforms, at a place young ladies (a condom store, ahem) possibly shouldn’t frequent.
The “Fab Five” allegedly flipped off a former coach, ran off five coaches in three years and have been disrespectful to their teachers.
Shame on you, young ladies. Stick to the pompoms and pyramids.
Yeah, that’s about all I got on this one.
Bam! No, no. I dodged it!!
This is the first week of 2007. More lying, lunacy and lewdness will surely follow.
That’s something you just can’t dodge.
Kevin Travis is the Sports Editor of the Washington Daily News. You may reach him at 940-4217 or by email at