Published 7:34 am Saturday, November 1, 2008
Life lessons come in three easy payments
Husbands must always wrap gifts
I’m not a smart man, but I’ve learned a few things in my life.
Lesson One: If your beautiful wife has to buy her own birthday gift because she knows you’ll screw it up — again — make sure you at least wrap it before you give it to her (as she told you to do weeks ago when she put it in your closet).
Lesson Two: If you’re trying to lose weight and go to a local fast-food restaurant, (let’s call it “Lardees” to avoid a lawsuit) do not fall victim to their signage. Stay strong and order just the coffee as intended, not the delicious-looking “New, Pork Chop Biscuit with Gravy.” Under no circumstance should you order two of them (as I did). And, for heaven’s sake, do not EAT two of them (as I did).
Lesson Three: If it sounds too good to be true, go ahead and make the three easy payments of $29.99.
If, like me, you’re a big fan of late-night infomercials on obscure cable channels, please take heed: ACT NOW! Don’t get “closed out” of any “one-time offers!” The Whiz-A-Way Sonic Toilet Cleaner won’t last long! Suppress your skepticism and place your trust in the infomercial “host.” Sure, he’s cheesier than queso dip, but THERE ARE ONLY 20 UNITS LEFT!
(Other lessons will be offered in future columns, but we must move along.)
Fountain of Wisdom
I am a bottomless reservoir of knowledge. I spew forth streams of wisdom from my mouth like water from a Roman fountain. (This is a terrible analogy. I know you think it is some other substance spewing from my mouth.)
(You should feel ashamed.)
I am bound by the code of the International Division of Intellectual Observation and Thought (IDIOT) to “enlighten, inform and confuse” anyone I come in contact with. This stupid column is as close to human “contact” as I care to make.
To follow my prime directive from IDIOT, I must answer now the two fundamental questions of life. Please take out a pen and piece of paper and write these down.
Question One: How do I become rich? Answer: Make a lot of money.
Question Two: How do I lose weight? Answer: Eat less food.
All the mysteries of life boil down to these two basic truths, revealed for the first time in today’s column (please send three easy payments of $29.99).
There is no need for Americans to spend billions of dollars on get-rich-quick schemes, self-help books and weight- management programs. Simply post these two solutions to life’s most pressing problems on your refrigerator, and you’ll be forever happy.
Think of me as your pseudo-guru. “But Guru,” you ask indignantly, “you are so full of ‘it,’ what makes you so much wiser than me?”
I am often asked if exercise should be combined with a healthy diet to achieve wellness and harmonious balance. “Absolutely not!” I shout indignantly (my favorite new word). “Exercise should not be combined with anything, especially health food! What are you doing, trying to kill yourself?” I ask indignantly. (Apologies to all my friends in the “wellness” industry.)
An “active lifestyle” is overrated. There is far more satisfaction in being lazy and sloth-like. If you want to be active, eat two pork chop biscuits with gravy. You’ll be running to the bathroom all day.
Ray McKeithan is associate publisher of the Washington Daily News. If you have questions or comments about operations, policies or content in the WDN that can be addressed in future columns, please send an email to: email@example.com or call 252-940-4205.