McKeithan Column|Columnist slighted by People magazine
Published 10:52 pm Friday, May 29, 2009
Ray McKeithanGeneral Manager, Associated Publisher
Two grievous offenses have recently been inflicted upon me.
Lets start with the biggie: People magazines annual list of the worlds most beautiful people recently released did not include me!
Again. (Hollywood is SO political.)
Take a gander at my smiling mug above … MAGIC! Twinkling eyes, perfectly coiffed hair, all my teeth, two chiseled chins wheres the love people (er, People)? This is the publicity shot of ALL publicity shots. This kind of quality can only be found at the license examiners office.
Why is my image relegated to page five of the WDN? I should be the cover boy on the biggest celebrity rag of them all. CURSES, PEOPLE MAGAZINE!
But, Ray you remind me, you were voted the 1,678,501st most beautiful person in 1982, thats saying SOMETHING. Ill tell you what thats saying, Miss-nobody-asked-you-to-interrupt-my-column: Its saying that there was a brief period in my life after braces, acne and parachute pants that I made a splash on the international scene.
I was entering my second freshman year at East Carolina University. There was a pretty young co-ed there who would NOT LEAVE ME ALONE! Her long, dark hair and beautiful smile made her an attraction at the ice cream store in downtown Greenville, where she worked. I stopped in frequently to eat the frozen yogurt, Fro-Yo me and the other cool guys called it.
Not long after, I appeared with her in the ECU summer musical, Peter Pan. She was Tiger Lily and I was the swash-buckling drummer in the orchestra pit. I learned from a mutual friend that Tiger Lily thought I was cute. (I was.) This beautiful actress also lived in the same apartment complex, and waited tables at Darryls as I did.
Get the picture? She was STALKING me.
Who was this clingy, cant-get-enough-of-the-Rayman-woman?
Sandra Bullock. I broke her heart and she never amounted to much, deeply scarred by my rejection.
Another recent slight that has hurt me deeply involves the Turnage Theaters Fashion Show, Just Fashion. Get this: I was not invited to be a model. I guess Im not one of Washingtons beautiful people. Who knew?
I know some of the men who made the cut for this event. One word comes to mind: U-G-L-Y.
Not that I would have accepted such an invitation. I am WAY too cool to sashay down any runway. But, its the principle of the thing.
Ill admit Im not the classic example of good looks. My body-shape is more that of a South Park character than of Michelangelos David. But, thats OK; Ive joined a gym. I dont use it, but Im a member and thats good enough.
Let me now take a stand for those of us who possess unique proportions and circus freak measurements. Welcome to my world. You will be accepted to my prestigious fraternity-of-one if you can answer yes to each of the following questions:
Do you have inseams that are exactly half the length of your waistline?
Do you have to special order dress shirts with neck widths exceeding sleeve length?
Do you own suits that are made from the same material as your camping tent?
Have you ever gone tux-less to a black-tie event because, There are none available that can fit you, Ray.
Do you have to wear your nephews hand-me-down shoes?
Is your nephew 4?
Does the pretty sales clerk at the store giggle while telling you, No we dont have that size in stock, and Im afraid we cant even special order it for you … do you have a goiter?
I now realize that my looks will no longer carry me through life. I must become a man of substance and character.
I have not yet decided which substance, or which character.
Obligatory McKeithan column disclaimer: The Turnage Theater fashion show is a fun, positive event. The participating male models are not ugly (except for my friend, Jim). The WDN apologizes for this statement from a resentful, little, pot-bellied pig of a man. The person deemed most beautiful by People magazine is a deserving choice. No circus freaks should be offended by this term of endearment, or for being compared to McKeithan. In truth, Sandra Bullock a genuine Hollywood star earns $20 million per movie, give or take a few million. She still pines for McKeithan, who is happily married to his beautiful wife and is off limits.
Ray McKeithan is associate publisher of the WDN. You may send your negative e-mail comments about him or his writing directly to: email@example.com.