McKeithan Column|Yard work is unnecessary hard work
Published 2:20 pm Friday, August 28, 2009
By By RAY MCKEITHAN
(This is not a repeat column)
I was reminded of why I dont enjoy yard work this weekend: I did yard work.
All of you out there who claim to enjoy halting Mother Natures progress must be really bored, a little nuts, or both. Some of you may even be (gasp) liars.
My beautiful wife said to me, as we toiled together doing laborious chores this weekend, Sweetie, (Sweaty was more accurate) admit it, isnt this a little bit of fun?
Actually, Hon … I think Ive just glimpsed Hell on Earth. I think you call it, weeding. Yes, I overreacted, but not by much.
One of my chores, assigned by my beautiful wife, was to cut back that big shrub.
Why? I asked.
Because we want it to grow back full and healthy, she explained.
It IS full and healthy, I countered, expertly.
Hunky Hubby, she managed without laughing, We must prune that shrub so in the spring it will bloom beautifully.
Oh, you mean like it did THIS spring?
Huh? I countered, expertly, again. But thats nine months from now, I continued, only after I had counted on my fingers twice to double-check my math. Why make it ugly for nine months of the year so it can look beautiful for three? Thats as crazy as when we repainted that yellow room, yellow. Basically, youre telling me to work my tail off so that bush can appear…. just as it does now?
Its not a bush, its a shrub.
Same thing, said I.
No, she insisted, theyre as different as marriage and divorce, do you get my meaning?
I didnt. I continued to plead my case.
I still dont understand why Im cutting back a healthy bush so it can be healthy again! I exclaimed loudly while stepping back three steps.
Because Im your wife, she said, thereby ending the discussion.
I have provided a photo of the bush that I cut-back for reasons known only to my beautiful wife and the agricultural extension service. I felt vindicated once the job was complete:
Now look at it, Kissy-Poo, I said, So sad … it looks like Charlie Browns Christmas tree!
Dearest, it looks cared for and loved, youve done well, little man, she said as I decorated the tree, Peanuts-style.
Youre not helping
I wrote in my last column about having a big ol head. Several well-intentioned folks made an effort to help my low self-esteem by offering consoling words: Your head is not THAT big, they said. (Well, youre not THAT insensitive, I wanted to say.)
Lets face it; I have an orb the size of Pluto. Dont try to convince me otherwise; youll just make matters worse. (But, thanks.)
Support a good cause, see grown man cry
Although the main show is sold-out, you can still see our local stars dance at the afternoon performance of Dancing With OUR Stars tomorrow. Tickets for the Invitational Dress Rehearsal will be available at the door for $10 each. The doors will open at 3:30 for the 4:00 performance.
Make plans to see an inept host (me) walk on stage and freeze in a moment of panic amid a full-blown anxiety attack. The betting line says I will stare blankly at the audience for 10 minutes, then run off the stage crying like a kindergartner in a school play. (And Ive got it easy compared to the dancers. Please come and support them.)
The event is a benefit for Eagles Wings, a United Way agency addressing hunger needs in Beaufort County.